Author Topic: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia  (Read 8207 times)

Offline Elldamar

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Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« on: January 02, 2006, 14:38:50 »
History

Beginnings

A five piece "Opera with rocks in it" group formed by a lusty wench and her four lovers, on the path of mental submission and taking over the world, Nightwish formed initally in the national Institute for the Deaf, Dumb and Blind in Cellsinki under the working name of Sightwish. The band also tried names such as Sonata Arctica (already taken, at the time), Nightrest, Piewish (at the suggestion of the lead singer), Tightwish (at the suggestion of the drummer who had a large woman) and 'I wish I could be rich' wish.

One night, after intense hours of deliberation, they decided to take upon the syntagm 'night', as it best described where the band was at that moment, both mentally and musically. After trying such names as Nightrest, they retained the original word wish and thus settling on the job, with Nightwish, as morning was breaking and nightrest had already failed them.

The band's musical adventure began with the four setting up their instruments, while the classically-formed lusty wench took her beauty nap on the sofa of the one room apartment where they all lived together, due to increasingly lodging costs in the north. Legend has it that, when the spring leaf player and leader of the band Tommy Hilfiger, after meticulously tuning his instrument, plunged into the first piece with the words "Now sing", the leading lady, astonished by the sudden noise, awoke from her slumber and, still confused, started raving on her "Lucia di Lamermoor." The song was one she had picked up in art school and used to play in the shower, in pubs for money or whenever she was scared. That's how a unique style of music was born, a style that has since been tackled by bands such as Therion, Tiamat or the Red Army Men's Choir.



Fame

After a few years of minor hits, the band made it to worldwide fame when they met the Wishmaster, who presently became their manager. He is the one that refined the music of the band, introducing for the first time the concept of major chords, string tuning and transparence within the band. Their new appearence with tuned instruments, happy music and their lead lady in see through dresses astonished fans who until then had confused Nightwish with Sonata Arctica. As a consequence, the group has been declared the greatest gang since The Three Stooges, The Pluck Uglies, The Chichesters and The Forty Thieves (see Gangs of New York).

Nightwish are mostly known for their song Nymphomaniac Fantasy, in which a woman finds out her man was cheating on her and she bites his dick off.



The fall

After providing entertainment to all members of the group, Tarja Tournun had become increasingly displeased with the lack of variation. After seeing cult latin series, like "La usurpadora" and "Maria Isabel", it appeared to her that a latin male, more skilled with his instrument would be able to provide her with the heat she could never find in Finland. So she went out looking for one. His name, who will be largely lost to posterity is either Julio or Iglesias, as these thing go, but may just as well be Manuel (skilled hand) or Juan. We'll have to get back to you on that (hope we'll not forget about it).

The latin lover, that she met while this was trying to mug an old lady, shortly managed to convince her she was the only that mattered in the group and that, without her, the band will kill themselves (or maybe even start masturbating). He actually convinced her that she could be great without the band, which was merely dragging her down and wasn't worth the effort and the oral skills she put into it (her moaning vocal performances will long be remembered and will stand as reference to any future female performer of Nightwish). Trully, he convinced the tour nun that her voice was so pretty that, in order for her to be a star, she didn't need anything else, in fact, not even to sing. Based on a widly spread latin philosophical concept, that work is bad for the health. The wench has not been heard of ever since. Her whereabouts are currently unknown. However she will be in Bucharest this winter. The writer will be there, for the purpose of accurate accounts to the less fortunate, if he won't be tied up in some mintrubbing.

Meanwhile the band have organised try-outs for a new female soloist. Apparently, none was good enough this far. Bob Downey, an indepent enquirer has been stocking the band's premises, inconspicuously dressed as a polar bear and has interviewed the young girls as they came out from auditions, tired, perspired and walking unsteadily. "It was a complete surprise" one of them, who introduced herself as Christina Aguilera, said. "Apparently you also need to sing." Prerequisites for potential candidates are 1,70 m, big breasts (for lung capacity, you understand), thin waist and long legs. The band is currently still looking. Contenders for the position include names like Brothany Speared, Cesaria Evora and Aretha Franklin.

Mothers in Finland are advised not to let their daughters loose these days. The writer would advise them of the exact opposite - to let their daughters perform, as independent women should, but what's that to me, since I'm not in Finland anyway?


Current band line-up:

    * Tuomas "Tommy" Hilfiger - Brass, leafspring and jawharp
    * Morcas Heidiala - Strong legs, heavy arms and cigars
    * Ernest Vuorinway - Big, heavy instruments
    * Stukkas Neverelaiden - Sticks, pricks and earrings.



Former members:

    * Tarja Tournun - Lollypops, Candy and Lucia di Lamermoor



Discography:

    * Swineheart
    * Come Over Me
    * She is a Finn
    * Oceanporn
    * Passion from the opera (also known as Tosca)
    * I wish I was a stranger
    * Sleeping fun
    * End of all soap
    * Beauty of the breast
    * Desacrament of Vilderness
    * Fishmaster
    * Twice

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Nightwish"

Categories: Musicians | Metal | Music

Offline Illusionist

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Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2006, 14:49:36 »
:lol:
nisu normalni
:lol:
Ne znam sta bih rekao.

Offline Imrahil

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« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2006, 16:32:04 »
Zanimljivo, ali mi se ne svidja...
you, the dead of my land, I envy you!
you, the dead of my land, I am proud of you!

there are no men like me. there's only me.

go then, there are other worlds than these

a thousand crystal towers,
a hundred emerald cities..

Offline Elizabeth

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« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2006, 19:22:39 »
sta je bre sad ovo??  :roll:



~ Vi slepi, vi gluvi
vi sebični ljudi
što pravite buku
bez reda i smisla
bez zašto i zato
za koga i kako
bez pitanja koje bi
možda osušilo
ponosni osmeh
na licu bez suza
na licu što nikada
obraz okrenulo nije... ~

Offline Imrahil

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« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2006, 20:00:08 »
Quote from: "Elizabeth"
sta je bre sad ovo??  :roll:


To ti je kad imas dokone ljude, koji ne znaju sta da rade sa svojim vremenom iliti zivotom... :roll:
you, the dead of my land, I envy you!
you, the dead of my land, I am proud of you!

there are no men like me. there's only me.

go then, there are other worlds than these

a thousand crystal towers,
a hundred emerald cities..

Offline Baki

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« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2006, 23:43:54 »
Video sam to...ima smesnih delova, mada mi i nije nesto preterano du'ovito.....

Offline TheFallen

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Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2006, 23:59:08 »
ma to je vec staro.. davno sam ja to postala na nas sajt medju zabavom :)
color=red]I can´t write these storylines without you, Lady pain, make me strong,
can´t we be together without them forever…
Sonata Arctica[/color]
Hrvatski Nightwish FanSite - Gethsemane Garden

Offline NightFantasy

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« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2006, 15:29:43 »
Mislim da je sprdanje...malo sam s nasmejao ali nista posebno...njah...
size=24]PRVI FORUMSKI LOVAC NA ZLATO[/size]

Offline Telcontar

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Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2006, 11:27:21 »
Hahhaa....dobro je.
color=black]..I wish for this nighttime to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me, shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping, weeping, with you...


The reaper is on the other side, let's go[/color]

[size=18]I truly hate you all ...[/size]


[size=10]Duja je rekao UBAGOVAN 29.01.2006 u 22:11:01[/size]

Offline Winter's Son

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« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2006, 16:19:46 »
hahaaaahaaha "Twice", hehe...bolest
kao i ovo "'I wish I could be rich' wish "
heheheeehe, o Isuse :lol:
Zivi svoj zivot najbolje shto mozesh a drugima isti zagorchavaj, naravno, najbolje shto umesh :saint:
 "Ja kad serem, serem sa stilom..."

Offline Pcelica

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« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2006, 15:51:17 »
Quote from: "NightFantasy"
Mislim da je sprdanje...malo sam s nasmejao ali nista posebno...njah...

eh ti sumorni choveche  :P  
nesto te nema na fax-u  :D  

odgovor na temu:
videla sam ovo jos od kad  :D  mada mi nesto i nije smesno da budem iskrena :)
You only have to look behind you
At who's undermined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way

Offline Luthien

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Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2006, 16:26:50 »
ni meni....
bash je prfkh.....
bzvz.....
i]*Embrace the silence
And listen to me
Our time is short
And my words are pure
For every song the angels sing
And for every leaf that falls
I will be thinking of you
And I'll blow you a kiss*
[/i]



Offline Ninoslav

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« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2006, 17:39:06 »
Quote from: "Luthien"
ni meni....
bash je prfkh.....
bzvz.....


Well, it's kinda funny...
Namaste... Bow before me, brothers, show your respect, then create devastation...

==========================
…When there's nothing left to say
Lake of tears will find it's way…
==========================

Offline DreamyEyedChild

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« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2006, 20:40:46 »
oh who cares :roll:

bakijeva povest je za ovo ...ma ne mosh se ni porediti!
color=red][size=24]NIGHTWISH FOREVER[/size][/color]

[size=24]N I G H T W I S H
N I G H T W I S H
N I G H T W I S H[/size]



Old love lies deep,you said......... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Offline Pcelica

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« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2006, 21:49:13 »
Quote from: "Ninoslav"
Quote from: "Luthien"
ni meni....
bash je prfkh.....
bzvz.....


Well, it's kinda funny...

maybe...for you....you strange man  :P   mozda zato sto si stariji od mene pa imas bolji smisao za humor? :D  a mozda i ne :P
You only have to look behind you
At who's undermined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way

Offline Arwen

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Re: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #15 on: September 06, 2007, 23:00:31 »
uncyclopedia rules.....ali bolje je ono što su napisali o Bodomima
I hate when they think I'm just I child

Offline Night Prowler

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Re: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #16 on: November 03, 2007, 20:39:19 »
Najbolje je za Metallicu, ovo je bzvz.

Offline la goth

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Re: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #17 on: November 28, 2007, 21:27:42 »
kako su samo mogli ovako da ih isprozivaju? ovo je strasno.... :/
Fuck the system, fuck fuck fuck!

Offline Debeli_Goticmar

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Re: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #18 on: November 28, 2007, 21:31:53 »
Hahahaha...Prejako!!! Ali sto kaze Niknad, jace je za metallicu
VolEm Debele Goticmarke! Jer, znate kako kazu: "Bolje da ljulja nego da zulja ! "


Carnal desire runs through my veins
Whipping boys and scapegoats cry in pain
Psychopathic terror during their sleep
My power asks why, my power is weak
Spineless bundles of my excess
Expurse of innocence and helplessness
In the perfumes of my secret orison
Fresh blood of children drops down on me

Bath in sin
Sadistic souls
Break their crust
Sodomy and lust

MyDyingMind

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Re: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #19 on: December 12, 2007, 22:25:44 »
Nja, nije nesto..Ima i bolji...Kao npr Opeth=Oprah (!?)

Offline Winter's Son

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Re: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #20 on: August 10, 2008, 21:00:32 »
"After the departure of Tarja Turunen, the band found another fake-ass singer, Anette Olzon and renamed the band as Nightbitch."

:histerija:



"Prerequisites for potential candidates are 1,70 m, big breasts (for lung capacity, you understand), thin waist (more food for the rest of the band) and long legs (for waving to the fans), and a fake-ass face reminiscent of the former leader.

As the band keep looking, contenders for the position include names like Brothany Speared, Cesaria Evora and Aretha Franklin. Michael Jackson is also expected to apply.

Mothers in Finland are advised not to let their daughters loose these days (the mother of Michael Jackson, too). The writer would advise them of the exact opposite - to let their daughters perform, as independent women should, but what's that to me, since I'm not in Finland anyway?"

Ovi su looooooooooooooooooodeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :histerija:




*Double Penetration Porn (also commonly referred to as Dark Pussy Play)*
The Poet and the Speculum
Bye Bye Alcohol
Amaramantah
Gay Dance of Her Left Breast
Pastor Blaster Peed/Masturbation Greed
Evil
Sahahahahara
Whoever Brings Me Pie
For The Heart I Once Shoved In My Ass
The Islamer (written about terrorists)
Last of the Paedofiles
7 Gays Eaten By Wolves
Meadows of Marijuana (Heaven, for druggies anyway...)

*[edit] Double Penetration Porn Bonus Tracks*
While Your Eyes Are Still Red (about making the best out of being high)
The Rapist

neopisivo :lol:
« Last Edit: August 10, 2008, 21:09:57 by Vampire Vorador »
Zivi svoj zivot najbolje shto mozesh a drugima isti zagorchavaj, naravno, najbolje shto umesh :saint:
 "Ja kad serem, serem sa stilom..."

Offline Angel Of Light

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Re: Nightwish - Uncyclopedia
« Reply #21 on: August 14, 2008, 19:26:29 »
samo cu reci:"oh my goth" :histerija: :histerija:
there can be miracles, when you believe...
-----------------------------------------
bila Tarja...muk... :wub: :wub: