History
Beginnings
A five piece "Opera with rocks in it" group formed by a lusty wench and her four lovers, on the path of mental submission and taking over the world, Nightwish formed initally in the national Institute for the Deaf, Dumb and Blind in Cellsinki under the working name of Sightwish. The band also tried names such as Sonata Arctica (already taken, at the time), Nightrest, Piewish (at the suggestion of the lead singer), Tightwish (at the suggestion of the drummer who had a large woman) and 'I wish I could be rich' wish.
One night, after intense hours of deliberation, they decided to take upon the syntagm 'night', as it best described where the band was at that moment, both mentally and musically. After trying such names as Nightrest, they retained the original word wish and thus settling on the job, with Nightwish, as morning was breaking and nightrest had already failed them.
The band's musical adventure began with the four setting up their instruments, while the classically-formed lusty wench took her beauty nap on the sofa of the one room apartment where they all lived together, due to increasingly lodging costs in the north. Legend has it that, when the spring leaf player and leader of the band Tommy Hilfiger, after meticulously tuning his instrument, plunged into the first piece with the words "Now sing", the leading lady, astonished by the sudden noise, awoke from her slumber and, still confused, started raving on her "Lucia di Lamermoor." The song was one she had picked up in art school and used to play in the shower, in pubs for money or whenever she was scared. That's how a unique style of music was born, a style that has since been tackled by bands such as Therion, Tiamat or the Red Army Men's Choir.
Fame
After a few years of minor hits, the band made it to worldwide fame when they met the Wishmaster, who presently became their manager. He is the one that refined the music of the band, introducing for the first time the concept of major chords, string tuning and transparence within the band. Their new appearence with tuned instruments, happy music and their lead lady in see through dresses astonished fans who until then had confused Nightwish with Sonata Arctica. As a consequence, the group has been declared the greatest gang since The Three Stooges, The Pluck Uglies, The Chichesters and The Forty Thieves (see Gangs of New York).
Nightwish are mostly known for their song Nymphomaniac Fantasy, in which a woman finds out her man was cheating on her and she bites his dick off.
The fall
After providing entertainment to all members of the group, Tarja Tournun had become increasingly displeased with the lack of variation. After seeing cult latin series, like "La usurpadora" and "Maria Isabel", it appeared to her that a latin male, more skilled with his instrument would be able to provide her with the heat she could never find in Finland. So she went out looking for one. His name, who will be largely lost to posterity is either Julio or Iglesias, as these thing go, but may just as well be Manuel (skilled hand) or Juan. We'll have to get back to you on that (hope we'll not forget about it).
The latin lover, that she met while this was trying to mug an old lady, shortly managed to convince her she was the only that mattered in the group and that, without her, the band will kill themselves (or maybe even start masturbating). He actually convinced her that she could be great without the band, which was merely dragging her down and wasn't worth the effort and the oral skills she put into it (her moaning vocal performances will long be remembered and will stand as reference to any future female performer of Nightwish). Trully, he convinced the tour nun that her voice was so pretty that, in order for her to be a star, she didn't need anything else, in fact, not even to sing. Based on a widly spread latin philosophical concept, that work is bad for the health. The wench has not been heard of ever since. Her whereabouts are currently unknown. However she will be in Bucharest this winter. The writer will be there, for the purpose of accurate accounts to the less fortunate, if he won't be tied up in some mintrubbing.
Meanwhile the band have organised try-outs for a new female soloist. Apparently, none was good enough this far. Bob Downey, an indepent enquirer has been stocking the band's premises, inconspicuously dressed as a polar bear and has interviewed the young girls as they came out from auditions, tired, perspired and walking unsteadily. "It was a complete surprise" one of them, who introduced herself as Christina Aguilera, said. "Apparently you also need to sing." Prerequisites for potential candidates are 1,70 m, big breasts (for lung capacity, you understand), thin waist and long legs. The band is currently still looking. Contenders for the position include names like Brothany Speared, Cesaria Evora and Aretha Franklin.
Mothers in Finland are advised not to let their daughters loose these days. The writer would advise them of the exact opposite - to let their daughters perform, as independent women should, but what's that to me, since I'm not in Finland anyway?
Current band line-up:
* Tuomas "Tommy" Hilfiger - Brass, leafspring and jawharp
* Morcas Heidiala - Strong legs, heavy arms and cigars
* Ernest Vuorinway - Big, heavy instruments
* Stukkas Neverelaiden - Sticks, pricks and earrings.
Former members:
* Tarja Tournun - Lollypops, Candy and Lucia di Lamermoor
Discography:
* Swineheart
* Come Over Me
* She is a Finn
* Oceanporn
* Passion from the opera (also known as Tosca)
* I wish I was a stranger
* Sleeping fun
* End of all soap
* Beauty of the breast
* Desacrament of Vilderness
* Fishmaster
* Twice
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Categories: Musicians | Metal | Music
